Difficult Things to Say

My mom passed away on the 12th of this month, and the whole week before she was in the hospital, I didn't go see her at all. I can't even look at a hospital, and my family they never told me anything except they were running tests on her, so I was just waiting for her to come home. She walked out of the house right in front of me to go to the hospital that monday, I was waiting for her to walk right back through that door. I went on saturday because my aunts, who live 2 hours away from us were down here, I went to the hospital. I was about to turn the cornor to go into ICU(I didn't even know she was in ICU) when they wouldn't let us go in because she went into cardiac arrest, they brought her back, I could not take it so I went home. at 6:00, my dad came home and told me that she had passed away at 4:30, saying she went into cardiac arrest 3 times, but they couldn't bring her back on the 4th time. Its hard for me to say I'm sorry for not being there, the last word I said to her was "ok." She was known to go into the hospital for 3 days, maybe a week, and come home and be fine, she just drove me and a few friends from a weekend camp the saturday before she went into the hospital. So when I asked her where she was going, she said "To the hospital," and I said "Ok." I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, especially when I think about it. But when I'm expressing myself like now, It makes me feel better, no one has to read this post, but I feel good just writing the story!!